11th Avenue two friends imaginary and real

Some of us don’t have enough of the kind of friends for which we have always longed. By sharing some of these exercises, or by adapting them, can we go out and make friends, gently using everything we have gathered? Can we expand play into the realm of social engagement more often?

Have we abandoned play, stopping making friends and even meeting new people? Now we have a new job: making real and imaginary friends. Now maybe after years of following the same habits either because of a change in circumstance, a lightening of work loads, or a shift in focus at home, we find out that it's time to make new friends with whom to play. We set out to make friends with whom we feel comfortable expressing playfulness. If play involves others, and we lose the thread with which to begin, we may choose to play alone with imaginary friends. These exercises can encourage making bridges to forming new friendships with people with play potential.

Consider that these friends have to believe certain things about the world. Playing with them reveals these beliefs, which I call secret truths. These secret truths ground us deep down. I think we play because we know these things deeply. Part of letting go of our playful nature includes forgetting what we know.

Playmate Exercise # 1: Listing Our Truths

Consider what truths still hold from childhood about the world. We imagine our self as naive, but I think we know truths. Then consider our closer circle of friends, real or imaginary, and what they hold up for us as basic truths about the world and our community. Choose a large enough surface to make a chart. Group people together. Group them by shared belief. Draw this pattern on the surface. This sets up a constellation. They connect to each other because of a shared truth. Like stars they form a constellation. Like stars they exist at varying distances. The distance can make them unrelated to each other. They seem connected from our view of point. We may want to stop and play with this idea for a while. The surface has another side to start new patterns. The varying distance of stars does seem to offer a way out of other dualities when we might feel stuck. Now add in people we feel drawn to include some close, some further away. Make notes about connections based on truths or values, or experiences like laughter. Create a laughter constellation or a silly constellation, or a mischievous constellation. The members don’t necessarily know each other. Add in missing bits that intuitively belong in the constellation.

If I take my friends, a list emerges. They teach me to value my ideas and my humor. Over and over again not just once, they remind me that what I offer helps them live playfully. They remind me what I once knew, that we connect as friends and acquaintances, not as strangers. And they remind me that when we give a child a problem to solve the child sees truths, the secrets that we buried. I have scattered two of these truths from friends though this avenue. The line begins with an initial and the verb teaches.

L teaches me that I can love everyone fully and deeply. The myth of a limited amount of love reflects a falsehood, and our hearts can remain open most of the time. I say most because sometimes we have to check internally for a sense of balance.

R teaches me that I can keep on stretching and speaking up for what I want and that the universe arranges itself in such a way that what I want fits together with my community’s needs and that these fit together with the needs of other communities linking the world community.

11th Avenue one friend real and imaginary

How curious to arrive at the sense of friends with whom to creatively play, only to discover my play is primarily a solitary act which involves friends peripherally. I wonder if this is true for others.

The intimacy of play requires a certain shared perspective. Do we choose playmates with initial attention to values and behavioral habits? Do we all need slightly different companions? And do we need committed players?

Consider again the amount of structure, the physical activity, the non verbal communication, and the intuitions conducive to play. Consider the need for surprise, the need for touch, the need for understanding, the need for optimism, the need for humor, the need for laughter, the need for spontaneous plans, the need for emotional expression, the need for truth telling, the need for secrets, the need for time. Consider the needs that we don’t find on this list yet that we know. And, of course, we occupy a section on a continuum in relation to these factors. In relation to these needs we find sections representing others' needs. We may fit in better with people receptive to our needs but not sharing the same needs.

I think my playmates are imaginary, though I am willing for others to be present while I play. Mostly I am a play hermit. But since many of us aren't hermits, let's explore this realm.

Our needs will change as we play. At first we might think that children would make good playmates. But we don’t want to draw them out of their childhood with adult perspectives and biases. Another grown up provides a better choice with whom to start. To youth we want to offer reminders to never give up on play as a valuable resource. We want to support just hanging out. When including a young person, their developmental needs deserve extra attention. A slightly different balance sets the play dynamic.

K teaches me that more than enough of everything exists to feed the world and meet our basic needs within an environmental balance. The balance yields complexity but not difficulty.

M teaches me that we can all get along with each other and make meaningful connections that help ground us in the deep sense of belonging to this place and this time.

Playmate Exercise #! Hunh?

(alot is to braver more innocent players)
A once written line that I can’t figure out.



Perhaps this came from a typographical error. Perhaps it came from an idea that escaped and left this odd word string? Can it relate to choosing playmates? I'll make up that this line serves as an attempt to say that we draw on the innocent side of friends, when we play. I could see the line being rewritten as: ”The art of play begins with a shared state of innocence.” What we hope to create represents a network of dedicated people who want to experience all that play has to offer. Try and find someone with whom to make up what the line means or choose another “senseless” aphorism to explore. And consider playing along side, if playing with seems to forgo playfulness.

10th perspective seventh view

I will now dive onto the ground, roll over and play dead. We create a third way to wiggle our self outside the box. Playing dead sounds serious. Though far better than experiencing deepening depression or suicidal thoughts, playing dead anticipates transformation. Just as dreams of death mark transformation, so playing dead marks transformation. Evoking this state offers a chance to do some magical thinking and realignment. The practice acknowledges the need to disengage and the not yet readiness to head in a different direction. Some brick walls have to be scaled rather than walked through. Playing dead allows us to lie down, contemplate the height of the wall and often times allows us to arise into an environment of altered scale, where we step over the barrier, easily.

Perspective Exercise #9: Playing Dead

With two year-old temper tantrum theatrics, we cast our body down on a bed or well-carpeted floor and announce to the air surrounding us that we have had it and will play dead. We may play dead for all of a few seconds or for a long morning. Let the awareness of playing float inside consciousness. Detach and see what details we notice. Then when ready reengage with life. Jot down a reverie to remember. Plan for the next demise. At some times of year this represents the only way we can get our self to detach enough to gain a perspective on how we don’t let our self separate from some less than fun activity that we overvalue. After a spell of lighter fun activity that earlier activity can sometimes be quickly accomplished and pronounced done. Or simply pronounce it done. We evoke an awareness of non-linear time. Non-linear time wraps around our awaeness, close by.

Standing outside the box gives me a whole different perspective on gardening and maintaining a yard. I know I enjoy playing with dirt and water. I know I do not know enough about gardening to grow vegetables. I know, though, that I like yards that have something always blooming. I do not have too much concern for color. So I begin to play in and with the yard. I grow flowering weeds. I move around what is there. I focus on areas where big trees once grew, blocking sunlight. I begin brick walks to imaginary places. I begin placing stones on the ground to mark and relate one spot to another randomly. Eventually I stack stones into cairns. Something deeply satisfies me in this process. Around the stones I plant simple species that require little attention. The yard becomes an enchanted playground. Due to bugs and heat, some times of year, the playground closes. Due to the temperate climate some times it unexpectedly opens. Neighbors and friends have extra plants to share. Clumps take up perennial residence. I see my swamp daisies across the street and down the way. I can stack stones in other places and meet other people who stack stones. In Vancouver enchantment overcame me, I see stones stacked in the inter-tidal waters. These stone balancers encourage me to attempt greater acts of balance.

When we step out of our boxes and balance on edges, sometimes we simply expand the fields in which we play with a new sense of our center of gravity. And that center rather than holding the grave holds levity. We can travel lightly upon the earth.

Perspective Exercise #10: Outside the Box

At a loss for a talisman of these changes in perspective, I have to hear the words I use. Outside the box requires a box.

So take a small box, and place inside it a collection of annotated small "pages" for each token we have created. Also imagine a box that would hold the universe.

Like a flash card put a reminder on the reverse of the "pages." Now randomly tuck them into the box. When needed spread them out and notice

the content, the messages, and hopefully the humor.

10th perspective sixth view

A second method of taking a break uses a delicate balance. We stand outside the process observing. The tension forms around enchanting the play without tearing the imaginary fabric of the space.

Perspective Exercise #7: Reminders

So how can we stand outside and remain agile? We don’t want to harden into a type of stone. Patient observation helps as does disempowering shame. Start with a list of reminders. Add personal ones as they come to mind. We can write them and post them on our favorite mirror. Remind us that under all, around all and through all we still like play. Reminders can state that we can play and work. Reminders speak with a silly voice and still have integrity. Reminders can fail to know how and still play. Reminders can be playful first and attending to important details fully. Reminders can make up new ways of playing when other ways have lost their essence. Reminders can set boundaries that when pushed allow wonderful yogic stretches. All this occurs in the time and space of standing out.

Perspective Exercise #8: Standing Out

Standing out allows reinvention. If something doesn’t work, playing can lead to another level. Remember how we talked about the story of two children fighting over a ball. (Really, I am not sure we did.) When the adult watching has enough, he takes the ball and runs. The children unite in their attempt to retrieve the ball. The direction of the play shifts. The first conflict has lost energy. One duality dissolves when the direction of play changes. Looking for the direction for the ball to take next requires only a moment standing outside. A simple act created an act of realignment. Reinvention occurred. Look for the ball in our life. Instead of dissecting the conflict, take or have someone we trust take the ball in a different direction. If we rely on someone else then we can pursue the ball with the players involved in the conflict. Successful moments of shifted perspective will probably seed a grin in our cheeks. Sometimes we can accomplish the entire shift in our head and we still get to grin.


Keep practicing the shift.


Make notes about any discoveries. And make notes to remind us to practice personal shifts.

Plan a time when you can instigate this kind of play into every day life. A favorite tight stuck place serves as the perfect starting point.

10th perspective fifth view

“I quit!” means break time, or hurt feelings, or overstimulation, or understimulation, or some sense of imbalance, or a distraction from senses, or hunger, or realizations about something else, or a recipe of some of each.

Think about the value of attaching and detaching. Consider the value of intentionally detaching from people and things. When we feel that the priorities we hold become inconsistent with our behavior, detach. Take into account the stuff of life. We all have varying tendencies to fall into a trap of valuing material possessions above their due. We learn to value certain rare substances that shine or sparkle as though they had personal dynamic value. If we notice what we really enjoy having around, then we can play at spreading the rest of it out and even give it to others where the material either gets used, used up or serves them or serves another purpose altogether. Take into account people and places that fill time, though we don’t engage in meaningful connection. This offers a chance to play as well.


Perspective Exercise #6: Interesting Conversation

Consider what really interests us. Plan to have conversations with people about this. First though we can prepare for conversation by telling people our intention. Let them have a chance to think about what really interests them. We easily hold attention when someone talks clearly and directly about what really interests them. Then when we take time out, we can let these threads of information sort themselves out, making new connections of our own.

I asked this of a young stranger. The answer, cooking. He spent years discovering this truth for him. He mentioned how important it felt to feed others in ways that awakened their sense of taste and smell. In the statement stood a profound truth.

In each of these scenarios we titrate engagement and detachment. We make a game of connection and value each part. Just like we valued each aspect of a breath. Detachment as signaled by “I quit!” has become an adjustment in our inner play control panel. This writing stresses engagement in play, though in order to really play well we have to be good at stopping play. Actually we just play at not playing. In this way we become more sensitive to our inner needs for stimulation and rest. These serve as personal subtleties about which we can now go deeper and deeper. They provide us with a better sense of our core.The core can be that wonderfully vast empty chamber of choice. The use of play to accomplish a balance between stimulation and rest allows us to side step some of the rigid ways we use to define a false core. Wrestling with these kinds of identity issues brings us to consider with whom we want to play and how. We may learn to play less and less because we accept some rigid sense of ourselves and playing puts this self at odds with our core being. I wont say play subverts this paradigm, but I think it serves as a healthy force to get our priorities restructured. Can we value the whole planet by playing in our personal corner and not feeling like we have to have everyone play like we do?

10th perspective fourth view

Perspective Exercise #4: Break Signals

Over years I have noted that we each have little habits that indicate when we want to take a break. For me nail biting still exerts a reliable signal. Search for a signal. Our signature request to quit offers a language for rest. This process we are doing no longer fully engages us. Some part of us has decided not to play. A little attention focused here can redirect the flow of playfulness. Earlier I stopped reading as the frequency with which my fingers returned to my mouth increased. I always associated nail biting with transformed thumb sucking. The thumb sucking served its own construction of self-comfort. Could I ignore feelings; while my hands spoke a different language? I can now translate the language of my hands into being tired of doing this particular action. Am I asking to play a different game or am i simply asking for a break. With my finger posed at my lip, I decide to take a break from writing now. Remember for the sake of playing fully to interrupt the flow in the middle, in the middle of the page, in the middle of the behavior. See what is freed up.

When we return, do we engage more fully? This serves a worthwhile investment in our potential involvement. We intend to play from our energy source. In this kind of a break notice patterns in the fabric of play to which we have not attended. I return to the theme of hanging out and doing nothing where inner connections thread together seemingly unrelated ideas. This time out of getting more direct input represents a chance to value what already exists inside. We can do this by not directly attending to content.

Since time out serves as a nap or a rest, it also serves as a time to daydream. Daydreaming can help us attend to priorities and particularly notice personal balance. In a playful way we can attend to our dreaming and notice whether we use these thoughts for a game of comfort, or whether they signal a need for some other form of engagement. Notice whether in this daydream we repeat something and whether we attend to any new details. We can map our daydream content and add details as we create them. We may be able to find a pattern of the comfortable threads that leads us to a clear sense of why we need to take a break from what stands directly in the forefront of our attention. As with daydreaming, notice that some details make the experience much more satisfying.

Perspective Exercise #5: Sleep Play

A note to the sleepless: consider daydreaming at night while we lie awake. Play a game with insomnia. In a time out zone, we want to engage with something and everything tells us not now. Bring out favorite memories that haven’t gotten enough remembrance. Savor all the details we can recall. Try and find the smaller nuances of the event that made the experience special. Don’t stick to the story of the memory, try and find details with all our senses. Rest while we let our mind attend to the pleasant memory. Nighttime daydreaming takes a different direction out of a rigid duality. We play with sleep and wakefulness; we rest.

10th perspective third view

Perspective Exercise #2: Social Time Out

Some times we play in social settings and we need to take a break. We play less than our best or less than how we like to play. We engage from a perspective of discomfort. To quit at these times may mean to give our self a break. Take time out. Even when we feel like we’re fully engaged, we can use a break. We can savor what we enjoy. Go and spend a moment in the rest room, in the bathroom, in the toilet stall. It serves as a guaranteed safe space in a social setting. We can check in, and see if we continue playing, how we will play. We have the chance to just breathe and notice what goes on inside our body. Pieces constructed from the past and from an imagined future. When we return, we consider embracing just the present. From this refreshed position, we can reengage.

Perspective Exercise #3: Personal Time Out

Some times too many demands pull on a moment and priorities become confused. Next time take or give time for a simple time out. Start practicing at home when no one else observes. Just sit still and let all the lists and the demands sit still, too. “I quit,” can mean I have something else I have to do now. Take an aware breath. See if we can playfully approach the list in a new way when we reengage.

A list of comfort scenarios can become large and personal. Take time to do research on comfort. Some times our bed serves as a safe ship to play on. Taking naps seems a playful way to insert a safe place. The nap alludes to the essence of comfort; discover what makes the break effective. We may need a little jump to reengage. Jumps can be playful. Find a jumping memory. Find a time when to jump meant full joy. The next time we come back to reengage in an activity after taking a desired break, jump using this memory as the frame.

Along with naps, soaks and baths create comfort, or repeating any aspect of a morning ritual. Since they represent part of our daily engagement rituals, reexamine them. Be aware that to disengage we can use any of our nighttime rituals as well. Turn inward for an answer to the question, “Now what?” Now we can make time for what we would like to have at the top of the list. The list, not structured by outcome, but by playful inquiry holds to our intent. We didn’t plan to hold our breath forever; we consider, continuing to play with a new awareness.

For many of us the sense of renewal from taking a break can be evoked with a childhood memory of play. Find a time we got hurt and ran to a parent for comfort. As soon as we had our parent's attention and the chance to cry out our tears of relief and feel the comfort of our parent, we felt a return of playfulness with a readiness to jump back in. Do remember. We would repeat this cycle, when really young, as often as needed. Don’t forget. Young humans do this naturally.